Dear How to Do It,
The orgasms my husband gives me are so, so much better than the orgasms I can give myself. When I’m masturbating, once it starts feeling great I always come within like three minutes.
I tell myself I’ll make it last longer, to try to get a more intense orgasm, but I just can’t get anything nearly as intense as what I get from him. I think it’s partly that he can’t feel exactly what I’m feeling, so he doesn’t hit the perfect spots right away and that draws out the experience to make for a more intense orgasm. I would love not to be dependent on him for that amazing feeling. Do you have any ideas for me?
—Seeking Independence
Dear Seeking Independence,
The other major part of what’s different about sex with your husband is, well, your husband. He’s a living, breathing human who you presumably love. That’s something huge. That’s something that can be magical. Partnered sex is more than just body parts doing things to each other. There can be this beautiful metaphysical engagement between humans. Something massive—sometimes spiritual and ephemeral. So consider how much of the interaction with another human, especially a human you love, is part of these more intense orgasms.
Beyond that, you might build a spiritual and metaphysical relationship with yourself. Take yourself out on a date. Connect with your self in addition to your body. Consider what’s out there aside from physical sensations and pacing, and experiment with those factors. Respect, love, care, and engagement are all specifics to think about.
—Stoya