I’ve Started Relying on a Questionable Habit in Order to Really Enjoy My Hookups

Advice by Jessica Stoya
16.06.2023

Dear How to Do It,

I used to drink quite a lot to get myself to relax, but it always ended up backfiring: I would push myself too far and then be distressed for days afterward. Recently, I’ve started trying something different.

I’ve started smoking weed again, and I find it helps me unwind in a nicer way than alcohol did: I feel present in my body and less anxious about the prospect of intimacy. I am currently working on overcoming my trauma in therapy, but it’s going to be a long process—and I really miss hooking up. How unhealthy is it for me to get high every once in a while to enjoy a random makeout?

—Marx Jane

Dear Marx Jane,

I have no idea! I am not qualified to judge whether it’s unhealthy, or how unhealthy it is, to use a little bit of weed to dampen the trauma response. I’m also wary of this idea that there’s an overarching “healthy” we should all be striving to reach. I’m a big fan of “Are we adequate?” and “Are we noticeably harming ourselves?” over trying for perfection. I mean, the whole world is melting—has been since 2020, at least. As long as I’m upright and sober enough to figure out which apartment building I live in at the end of the day, I’m satisfied. Better than yesterday is enough. It seems like weed is better for you than the booze was.

Talk to your therapist though. Let them know. It’ll help their ability to treat you, and they’re likely to have more insight than I do. If weed isn’t setting you up for the days-long distress, I’d say go for it, but, again, I’m not a therapist. Regardless, your treatment team needs to know which substances you’re taking at what times so they can factor that into how they’re handling your therapy.

You might think about hooking up and making out with people who you’re already comfortable with. I imagine that might be easier to handle than intimacy with a stranger. Something to consider.

—Stoya