We Thought Opening Our Relationship Would Be the Hard Part. Not Even Close.

Advice by Jessica Stoya
12.06.2023

Dear How to Do It,

My husband and I (I’m also a male) have tried ethical nonmonogamy a couple of times. Each time ended with not the best results.
Whether it was from not finding/matching with someone on an app, being ghosted, or one of us being attracted to someone while the other is not. It just never seems to work out. We did have one person over only for it to end with a bad taste in our mouths. No, we didn’t get that far. Get your minds out of the gutter. But we agreed that we didn’t want to try spending more time with that person.
I think part of it may be that I haven’t been the one who has wanted to be in something nonmonogamous, to begin with. I am totally happy being just the two of us, but knowing that my husband has this desire makes me want to do it for him. I didn’t know this starting out. Just found out about a year or so ago. So what do I do? Do I continue to try this with/for him? Do I just say hey, maybe we should cut our losses and you can go be with the free people to frolic in the hay? Or do we keep trying until we find someone we both are attracted to?

—ENM-ish

Dear ENM-ish,

I’m hearing a lot of your reactions, but not much about your boundaries and desires. Those last two are super important—not necessarily for me to know, but for you to base your decisions on.
Remember how long it took to find a person you got along well enough with to marry? Finding a third can be just as time-consuming. Most people aren’t often looking for another person to be with for the rest of their lives, but you’re looking for someone who is interested in both of you and likewise. The math becomes exponential. Do some introspection and try to get a sense of whether you’re frustrated by the effort that finding a third to hook up with requires, or whether you’re not really into the idea of being with other people at all. How much of your desire is to have sex with other people with him, and how much of your desire is to do it for him, is the question.
You seem to be hinting that you feel your options are to continue looking for an extra bedmate or to divorce, leaving your husband free to pursue the “frolics” you speak of. I doubt the situation is that stark, but if it is, you’re looking at an ultimatum. Consider how fair that ultimatum is, and how far you may be drifting from what you’re comfortable with in order to keep your husband happy.
It might be easier on you if he took on more of the work of searching for a partner. Or you might need more frequent breaks from the grind of dating apps. Figure out what is interesting for you about this endeavor, and let that dictate how involved you are and in what ways.

—Stoya